Relationship is about our way than mine or yours!
Having the option to walk out of a relationship is something each one possesses today. It seems like the easy way out. However, how is it being exercised is a question I would like to pose. Having a space for an individual to be who they are, is important. Relationships and their needs have evolved over time. One does not need to be in a relationship for a social tag but to enjoy being in it. Compatibility is important of course and the acceptance that things might not always be rosy. A relationship that a couple has surely has its ups and downs, but then which relationship does not? Whether both partners are strong headed and confident in their own realm or have a mismatch of expectations, or one ends up being more dominant than the other; when its becomes tough to accept things for what they are, relationships start turning sour. One being dominant or not does not matter when it takes two to work it out. What do you do in such a situation?
Do you try working it out and finding a common ground or reason for being together or you build a wall in between and create your own paths in your life? Putting in effort to make it work is certainly worth trying. Thinking about what is in it for you, and where would you like to head from here, could give an appropriate answer for you when this voice come from the heart. However, ego could be a great barrier here. Think about what brought you together in the first place and the future you envisioned together.
Knowing a person and living with them is a different ball game all together. Sharing your space, your lifestyle, your way of being and being present and available to another person could be a challenge for a few. Each person has their own way of operating and connecting. But when it comes to a relationship, it takes two to work it out and continue it. They say adjustments are important however I would like to rephrase it to being agile and flexible in a relationship is important. A two-way communication that involves speaking and listening both deeply and with the right intent is important. Having an individual identity as well as an identity as a couple is important here. On this thought, I would like to invite you to reflect on how you have seen your relationship grow over time?
If you think about the old times in India, there were certainly more arranged marriages than love marriage and the way these arrange marriages took place, the couple did not even know each other enough or maybe didn’t meet either in some cases, before they tied the knot. They still managed their relationship well without falling apart and building a mutual understanding or creating a space of love. There certainly have been divorces or unhappy marriages before as well even if they did not result into splitting up due to what the society would say. However, if we compare the scenarios, couples spend a lot of time together in their initial meetings to even take the decision about whether to marry the person they have been seeing or not. They go out, talk to each other, understand each other, their lifestyles, set expectations and then move on to tying the knot. Then what changes suddenly? Whether it is a love or an arrange marriage, there could always be a change of heart, but is that the reason for relationships not working out as much now as they did in the past? Or are couple just more honest about what they want and are facing? They know what they would want from the relationship and if they are not getting the same, they are happy to move out. Then where is the time to work out what you have invested your emotions, your time, and your lifestyle in?
Wanting the company of each other and doing things together is one way that keeps the spark alive. Finding a mutual interest and starting to spend time together to do it could be something that could work out a sour relationship. You could laugh, you could play, you could have a competitive unharming fight and it is all ok. Getting to know each other authentically and having the courage to accept the other for who they are is important. When one rushes into the relationship without knowing what they want, maybe to bridge a gap or fill a void, or just because that is the norm of the society, one may not do justice to themselves and their partner. However, being alone can be extremely discomforting and lonely. You may have a great set of friends, but each one would have a partner or find a partner, not because it is a norm but because having a companion makes life more enjoyable and comforting.
On the other hand, it is ok to end the relationship if it is not working at all. You both might not be compatible after all and the whole agony being together could cause could be hurtful.
Following are some thought provoking questions which could help you discover more than what meets your eye in the relationship.
1. How do you feel when you are around your partner?
2. What about your life do you like to share with your partner and hear from about theirs?
3. How much trust is there in the relationship?
4. What could you let go off to keep the love alive?
5. What would you wish to contribute to make it worthwhile?
I hope you have taken some time off to reflect on these questions. You could make a note of these and see what plays out for you. What is your subconscious asking you to do in your relationship?
At times when things are not working out as you would want it to, having a neutral, unbiased third party could be a great idea. Whether it is a wise friend, a family member who is mature enough to understand both parties without bias, a couple counsellor or a coach who works with couples. Coaching couples is about understanding that each relationship is unique and there is no set pattern or path to follow to make it work or end it. The way that works for each couple is different, in its own way and that is what I apply as a consistent pattern across my clients.
Relationships are fragile, well knitted, deep, fluid and a package. It is the chemistry, the interaction and closeness of two people, which makes a relationship complete. It does not matter who is cooking the meals and who is bringing the money as both partners are equally capable of doing both or either in today’s world. It is the choices one makes as a couple and how they live by it. Having the freedom in a relationship as well as a boundary can make it make it last to its best when both involved are mature enough to manage it along with trust and honesty.
So which side of the relationship are you on? Each relationship is unique and the care it demands is unique too. Just like a flower needs water to grow and blossom, a relationship needs nourishing through love as well to grow and blossom. Invest in it to reap the benefits of it. A lie game would not be good if you see the long-term vision you have of your relationship. Its repercussions could be disastrous for both involved.
Following are some tips that could help you stay sturdy in a relationship –
1. Conversations
Have intuitive and open conversations with each other about your life, dreams, job, future, kids, family, or anything that is important to you.
2. Listening
Listen intently and empathetically to what your partner says. Listen with your eyes and not just your ears and respond in an appropriate manner.
3. Complement each other
You both would have unique strengths and areas you could support each other on as a team, hence ensure you complement each other in this package and take on the tasks best suited by collaborating on them.
4. Appreciation
Appreciate each other for the good one does. Do not count mistakes or what is not done first. Focus on what is done well and give the appreciation one deserves for that. If you feel there is a scope of doing better on other things, communicate that in a positive manner and see the difference the next time.
5. Surprise each other
Ensure there is a surprise element in your relationship which makes the other person feel important, happy, and loved. It could be anything from getting a small gift, to organizing a nice cosy dinner, to a spa appointment, to cooking your partner’s favourite meal as a surprise, to a surprise vacation. This helps pamper your partner and rejuvenates the love in the relationship.
6. Pursue a hobby
Pick up a hobby together or anything of common interest. It could be anything from painting together, to gardening, to learning a dance, to a sport you both could enjoy together, to maybe just a game of monopoly, but get involved in a hobby or activity together which you both enjoy. It helps strengthen the bond and increases the qualitative time you spend together.
7. Spend time together as well as apart
As much as it is important to go out for a movie, dinner, shopping, or meeting friends together, it is also important to spend time with your friends or family one on one. It shows that both partners are confident and respect the other relationships one has. It builds the bond even stronger as more trust comes into play and individual identities too.
8. Mutual Respect
It is important to respect each other for a healthy and happy relationship. Without respect it is hard for a relationship to be strong and a successful one. Hence respect works both ways and needs to come from inside, it can never be forced.
9. Sharing upsets
If there is something that you do not like about your partner, sharing it authentically is extremely important. Avoiding talking about it could ensure emotions and incidents pile up in your mind, or maybe bursts of emotions and anger too at certain times. Hence giving each other the comfort to express their emotions about each other could strengthen the relationship. Instead of having guards about protecting yourself, you could deal with these conversations in a way that enables both of you to come closer by understanding and hence tuning yourself
10. Enabling each other
As a couple, you could support each other to grow and do better than where the other is today while seeing the bigger picture and their long-term vision. You are the best person to understand what it means to your partner, and your support, can enable them to cross this journey successfully. Motivate each other and help with their blind spots where in you can observe something to work around with.
So next time you feel, your relationship could be better than what it is right now, before giving up, think about what could make it better and how would you like to be present to each other? Exercise some of the above tips and see the difference it makes in your relationship. And remember, each relationship is unique and cannot be fixed or broken in a way that the other has. Whichever side of the relationship you might be in, do reflect on the following as some closing thoughts -
1. What is it that you feel the relationship deserves?
2. What is your identity as a couple?
3. How confident are you in your own skin as well as together?
4. What is your wish from your partner?
5. What are you hoping for from the bottom of your heart